Dee Jay Mailer: changing jobs Kamehameha Schools photo

Editor’s note: MidWeek is happy to introduce our newest columnist, Tannya Joaquin, though she really needs no introduction. The Hawaii News Now anchor, who also is the mother of children ages 4 and 1, will focus primarily on young families – issues that concern them and activities they can enjoy.

We have a morning drill in my house. It’s the race to get my son and daughter up, dressed, out the door and in the car before 7:45 to make it to preschool in time for breakfast. Really, how hard could that be? In my job as news anchor at Hawaii News Now, I meet every deadline no matter how difficult the assignment. But my school breakfast batting average? Well, let’s just say I’m striking out more often than not.

I underestimated the challenges of dropping off my children in the morning and saying bye. I have two months under my belt on “drop-off duty,” and it’s not getting any easier.

You see, for two years while I anchored Sunrise, Daddy did the drop-offs and I did the pickups. Oh, how I looked forward to them spotting Mommy and running with arms extended for huge bear hugs. Now, I dread the drop-offs and the inevitable tears and pleas to stay. School and structure are good for them, you tell yourself, as you resist taking another look back. Don’t prolong the goodbyes, you’re warned.

Easier said than done. There’s no formula for the modern family on how best to navigate this balancing act between career and family. For me, it’s a work in progress. I had an “aha” moment, as Oprah calls it, while at work after another difficult drop-off. It was during an interview with Kamehameha Schools CEO Dee Jay Mailer, one of the honorees for the YWCA Leader Luncheon coming up June 19. This event honors distinguished women in our community who seem to have it all figured out. As emcee for five years now, I always take mental notes from these amazing women on their secrets to success and balance.

Turns out there’s no real secret. I asked Mailer why she’s retiring next year, and she said it’s time to make it up to her family for all those missed “Mommy moments.” Sure, her daughters are all grown up in their 30s now, but they remind their mom about the times she couldn’t be there because of her demanding career.

They don’t begrudge her. In fact, they’re now faced with similar decisions as they carve out their own career paths in Idaho. One of them has a 4-year-old daughter, and Mailer doesn’t want to miss out on being “Nana.” The poised CEO gets downright giddy showing off a new video of her precocious granddaughter hamming it up for the camera.

Mailer looks forward to trading in her CEO title for pick-up duty.

Yes, that’s her next gig, picking up her granddaughter from preschool in Idaho.

I don’t recommend doing the drop-offs.

In the spirit of Father’s Day, here’s something all dads can appreciate. The first word my son said at 6 months old was “dada.” To tell the truth, it’s really just babbling at that point, but nevertheless, a milestone – Baby’s first bona fide word.

I got a second shot three years later when my daughter was born. Surely, my little princess would rec-ognize that I was the one who carried her for nine months, delivered her (without the aid of an epidural, might I add) and woke up all hours of the night to feed her? It’s 50/50 chance, right? Not quite.

Alan Joaquin and son Kai at 4 days old | Lisa Hoang/Simply Baby Photography photo

As soon as she found her voice, there it was again. This time on repeat, “dada dada dada.” Many pediatricians reassure moms that 99 percent of babies say “dada” first. Physically, the sound is easier to form than “mama” in a developing child. At least that’s what my extensive two-minute Google search tells me. In this case, I choose to believe or risk having a bruised ego – and who needs that on top of the other physical changes of motherhood?

I don’t really have a problem with it. When my husband and I first took parenting classes in 2008, older women remarked how lucky young women are today that their husbands are so involved in raising children. It goes both ways. Men are lucky to play a bigger role, too.

Traditional gender roles have blurred. You’ve probably heard ad nauseum by now about a Pew Research Center study that found a sharp increase in women as household breadwinners.

Moms, single or married, have become the top earners in four out of 10 U.S. households. It’s easily the most dramatic shift in family dynamics in the last 50 years.

But the study glosses over a fact of life for Hawaii families. It’s the need for Mom and Dad both to be breadwinners. Lucky we live Hawaii? Of course. But the high price of paradise forces many families to share the financial responsibility.

Let’s face it, being a parent is the toughest job in the world. While we honor mothers and fathers on separate holidays, as they say, “it takes a village.”

So, as we celebrate fathers, I say we raise our glass to babies saying “dada” first. Think of it like this: In the middle of the night, if your son or daughter calls out for “dada,” who has to get up?

Besides, soon enough your little one will advance from their first word to their favorite, “No!” The beginning of the end for parents. But that’s a whole different story.

Maria Quiban and son Gus | Photo from Maria Quiban

I bawl like a baby every time I watch Toy Story. Seriously. I need to keep a Costco-sized supply of Kleenex handy when Andy casts off his beloved cowboy Woody for the hot, new Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear.

But, you know what? I’m about to do the same thing.

Yes, it’s time to ditch my trusty iPhone 4 for a shiny new iPhone 5. Hawaii News Now is upgrading our smart phones, so we have the latest and greatest bells and whistles.

The funny thing is, I never learned a fraction of what the 4 can do. How can I begin to appreciate Siri?

Well, there’s now a shortcut for people like me who love gadgets but don’t have a clue what they can do. It’s a new OC-16 show called MommyLovesTech hosted by former KHNL weathercaster Maria Quiban.

The self-described “geeky gadget girl” and mother of two is teaching other moms to be techsavvy through her new “baby.” The half-hour program is an offshoot of her popular website and YouTube channel by the same name.

“There was a vacuum when it came to sources of information for women who spoke our language. Specifically moms,” explains Quiban.

“Since it didn’t really exist, my producing partner and I decided to create MommyLovesTech.com.”

The Los Angeles anchor chats with her older son in Texas via Skype, and swears her 2-year-old son Gus is better navigating her iPad than her husband. Quiban even has shopped virtually with her best friend by sharing instant images and feedback.

On this week’s MommyLovesTech, airing Saturday evening (June 22) at 6:30, the Mommy team will reveal how your smartphone can be your personal trainer, how to shoot home movies like a pro, and even take on a controversial debate about “submissive” wives.

Plus, Ambassador of Tech, former Miss Universe Brook Lee sits down with actress Amy Hill from 50 First Dates to get her top online shopping tips.

Quiban’s mission is to vet the latest technology so that you can focus on your family. Check it out!

TAKE FIVE WITH MARIA QUIBAN:

Favorite Apps: Magisto & Spanish Cards

Social Media obsession: Google+

Screensaver: Family photos through ‘Familiar’ app

iPhone 5 or Samsung Galaxy S4?: iPhone 5

Mac or PC Girl?: Both

One more quick plug. Since it’s summer, I’m testing out fun, family-friendly activities. There’s a free narrative dance performance this weekend at the Kroc Center in Ewa Beach called “History: For Hawaii.” Fifty local artists will tell a powerful story through hula, Tahitian, acrobatics, drama, stage combat, hiphop, breaking and krump. Go to momentsunforgettable.org for details.

tjoaquin@ hawaiinewsnow.com

The author performing with the circus at the 50th State Fair last year | Photo from Tannya Joaquin

Note to self: This is it. The last chance to enjoy the rides, racing pigs and deep-fried goodness that is the 50th State Fair. It has been a summer tradition for local families since it was actually dubbed the 49th State Fair in 1947. Obviously, that didn’t stick, since Alaska beat Hawaii to statehood.

Now we have to beat the clock. The fair closes after another successful run at Aloha Stadium this weekend. For real. I put in that disclaimer because I have a confession. I have told my son that it was closed.

It’s my old standby. Toy store? “Oh, I’m sorry sweet-ie, it’s closed.” The fair? Sorry, closed. Apparently, I use this technique a lot. I realized that when we were on a long trip and my son missed our dog, Pronto. As he asked about Pronto, I started to respond, “Sorry sweetie” and he interjected, “Pronto’s closed?”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of the 50th State Fair. I even joined the circus for a Sunrise segment last year. (Another note to self: Don’t quit my day job!) I don’t say the fair is closed because I don’t want to go.

It’s the opposite. I want to plot and plan the best outing possible. Guess I’m like Goldilocks, in this case. It has to be just right. Not too busy, so the first weekend’s out.

No severe weather, too hot, wet or voggy – forget about it. More weekends gone. Husband out of town for work? Can’t do it. It’s a rookie mistake to go to the fair alone with both kids, one raring to go, the other too small to do it all. Executing the perfect family day at the fair is akin to planning a wedding. I’m only halfway kidding.

Seems I’m not the only one racing the clock. Donna Smith of E.K. Fernandez Shows explains there’s always a bump for the fair’s last weekend because families realize, “It’s their last chance. If they don’t go, they’ll miss out on all the happenings.”

Anticipating a boost in business for the final weekend, Smith has stacked the entertainment lineup. Duncan Kamakana from NBC’s The Voice and that catchy local Burger King commercial will take the stage Saturday night at 8. Popular hypnotist Dr. Scott Lewis will perform Friday and Saturday at 9:30 p.m., and Sunday at 9 p.m.

I’m looking forward to getting to the fair … finally. Plus, my son is on to me. Last weekend, I dragged my kids out to Waikele Outlets. It didn’t even occur to me on the drive back into town that we were passing right by Aloha Stadium – not until my observant son noticed the Ferris wheel in motion and announced to me: “Hey, the fair is open!”

Case closed.

The Rhelm Adventure Theater in Aloha Tower Marketplace is an interactive discovery center, museum and theater all in one | Photo from Tannya Joaquin

Looking up at the luxury high-rises that dwarf Aloha Tower today, it’s hard to believe this 10-story lighthouse was once the tallest structure in Honolulu.

A lot has changed since 1926. “Boat Days” are long gone. Now, what once was the heart of Hawaii tourism is in need of resuscitation.

Since Chai’s Island Bistro and Hawaii Athletic Club moved out, I haven’t had a real reason to go to Aloha Tower Marketplace. No offense to Hooters or Gordon Biersch. That’s just not my cup of tea. Or should I say beer?

Lo and behold, I found a reason: The Rhelm Adventure Theater. It’s a new interactive discovery center, museum and theater rolled into one.

The mastermind behind this concept is longtime teacher and fairy tale fan Deidre Harris. She calls The Rhelm “the ultimate classroom” for children ages 4-12 because it uses “environments that engage the senses, activities that engage the mind and stories that engage the imagination.”

I went to check it out during lunchtime. It was sad to see Aloha Tower Marketplace so empty. On the plus side, parking was no problem. But it’s a virtual ghost town.

Coincidentally, The Rhelm is located across from Gordon Biersch, and children entering the theater have to defend the village against a distant cousin of ghosts-goblins.

The story begins with a dragon that has devastated the village of Wentrus. Children enter The Rhelm to help rebuild the village, with a passport to collect stamps from stations along their adventure.

From weaving a hut that was destroyed by dragons to panning for gold, there are plenty of activities for little minds to explore. They choose how they want to help. They can decode hidden messages from a wizard or power a fuse box reminiscent of a childhood favorite of mine, Lite Brite.

This is a hands-on experience families can enjoy together. That was the goal of Deidre and Jeffrey Harris. This husband-and-wife duo worked side by side for the past year to get their labor of love off the ground.

As Deidre explains, “Today, even when families are together, they’re not really together. Everyone’s on a different device.”

Jeffrey adds, “With more than 20 different activities that engage the creative intellect of both children and parents alike, we hope to bring families together in an experience they will take and continue at home.”

Read up on this family adventure at TheRhelm.com. The Rhelm is open through the end of August. Hours are Friday from 6 to 9 p.m., Saturday from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. and Sunday from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. Cost is $50 for a family of four, or $14.95 for individuals for a one-hour passport into Wentrus Village, where the characters, activities and story of The Rhelm come alive.

Now, if only Hawaii Pacific University can do the same for Aloha Tower Marketplace. tjoaquin@hawaiinewsnow.com

I clearly remember the moment: standing in front of a Matson container ship, holding up a toilet paper prop purchased from Daiei. You know, the old Holiday Mart, mauka of da kine, you know, Liberty House?

To this day, I still get a kick out of how we give directions in Hawaii. As a reporter new to Honolulu in 2002, I had to fake it at first.

May as well have been a foreign language to me, as I would have to decode directions as I set up interviews over the phone. Processing and scribbling notes, sometimes phonetically, so as not to let on I had no clue what in the world it all meant.

“Holiday Mart, mauka da kine, Liberty House? Sure. See you there!”

I can chuckle about it now. Back then, I got an on-the-job crash course on Island-style geography/history. That local tradition of referring to places from the past, sometimes several times removed. Think Don Quijote aka Daiei aka Holiday Mart.

But back to that defining moment, holding toilet paper, of all things. That was my TV news debut in Hawaii. First day on the job. A live report on the rush to buy necessities with a potential shipping strike on the horizon.

Toilet paper? No explanation necessary. Spam? Another local lesson learned.

I’m reminded of it now because shipping issues have really been a recurring storyline in my life in Hawaii. Thankfully, not for toilet paper, but for other essentials.

You know, like snow boots for the kids, which you waited to buy until the last minute before a trip?

Now, I’m an online shopping pro, so finding cute bargain boots is a breeze. Shipping last minute to Hawaii, not so much!

How frustrating is it to buy, say boots, for $15 and get all the way to checkout to see:

1) The company doesn’t ship to Hawaii.
2) The company only ships USPS by ground (aka snail mail).
3) The company will rush deliver, but the shipping is more expensive than the actual item.

At that moment of truth, you:

1) swear to yourself you won’t procrastinate again,
2) swear at your computer and
3) click shipping option C.

Then, you do an internal prayer that two-day shipping really is two days. Or, you’ll be on a plane and have snow boots waiting on your doorstep when you return.

Hmm, you think. Maybe I should contact the company and give precise directions for delivery to my house.

You know, mauka of the old Foodland and da kine, Blockbuster?

A footnote: The boots arrived with time to spare and currently are keeping my kids’ toes warm in Alaska.

tjoaquin@hawaiinewsnow.com

You name it, I’ve heard it.

“Wow, the camera really does add 10 pounds.”

“You look fat on TV.” “OMG, you’re skinny.” I try to take it as a backhanded compliment.

Seriously, if I add up how many times I hear one of those comments or a variation of all three in a day, I need to use all my fingers, and a few toes, too.

Multiply that number by two if you’re pregnant and gain weight on the news. I’m sure Stephanie Lum would back me up on this one. It’s like open season as the months go by. “Wow, you’re really showing now.” As if you weren’t aware of that newsflash without someone pointing it out to you. Sorry for the sarcasm. It’s true, though.

But this wasn’t meant to be a rant on comments about appearance. They come back to me now because I just came back from a seven-day Disney cruise to Alaska. Anyone who’s been on a cruise knows it’s hard to exercise “cruise control” because of the delicious around-the-clock cruise cuisine.

I enjoyed so many wonderful activities with my family – dog sledding, a sea plane tour, a helicopter to the glacier, a salmon bake. But by far, the activity we did more than anything else was eat!

Decisions, decisions. Lobster or rib-eye steak? What, your server says he can bring both? Why not, we’re on vacation. Cheesecake, tiramisu or cobbler with ice cream? I’ve got it: the dessert trio. Just a few bites of each, you think to yourself, before you scarf down all three.

I’ve been on cruises before, so I know the drill. I actually packed “friendly” dresses (translation: not too tight) for the end of my trip just in case I overdid it.

Here’s a scary statistic. The average cruise guest gains seven pounds on a weeklong cruise. (Scary when I think how hard it was to drop the last 10 pounds of baby weight.) In this one particular case, I’m happy to be below average – I jumped on the scale and it’s exactly where it was before I left for my Disney feast.

I actually have a lot more to share about the Disney experience than the fear of packing on pounds. It was my first Disney cruise, and as a mom of two young kids, I would highly recommend it. But, as I return to work for Hawaii News Now on camera, I was curious about the whole seven-pound cruise theory.

It’s often said “you need to have thick skin to be in the business.”

You just don’t want to actually be thick. After all, the camera does add 10 pounds. tjoaquin@hawaiinewsnow.com

Mickey and Minnie in Alaska | Tannya Joaquin photo

These days, whenever a newscaster is talking about a cruise, it usually involves horror stories. You know, norovirus, overflowing toilets, no food – or seasickness so bad no one can keep down their food.

Thankfully, this isn’t one of those times. The Disney Wonder seven-day cruise from Vancouver to Alaska was … well, wonderful.

I could write a whole column about the nonstop cruise cuisine. In fact, I did last week. Whenever you take a cruise, it takes a while to get back to your normal routine. Meaning moderation. Self-serve ice cream 24/7? Not something you can do every day. Certainly not several times a day.

Now, I have been on many different cruise lines – Princess, Carnival, Seabourne. But this was my first time sailing with Disney. Granted, it’s been 20 years since taking cruises with my parents, but there’s one big change I noticed immediately. Omnipresent antibacterial soap dispensers. Cast members give you wipes anytime you enter dining rooms or get on or off the ship.

Yes, Mickey Mouse runs a tight ship. All children onboard know it’s really Capt. Mickey at the helm. That’s part of the Disney magic, which is the real draw of this cruise.

Sure, the magnificent scenery will take your breath away. Think blue glaciers, waterfalls, soaring bald eagles and spouting whales. Still, that can’t compete with the joy on your child’s face when they spot the biggest star in their universe: Mickey Mouse.

Mickey and friends make cameos throughout the cruise and star in fun musical productions. All your favorites are there: Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Cinderella, Belle. Seeing these characters come to life for your children is a priceless feeling.

It also brings out the kid in you. Cuddling with a blanket and cocoa or cocktail while watching a Disney classic by the pool is a nice break from reality. No cellphones, no status updates. Just you, your family and Aladdin, Ariel or Nemo. You get immersed in their worlds.

You get so wrapped up in the Disney magic, you come down with a serious case of Mickey mania. Disney makes that easy to do by providing Mickey money, or “key to the world” cards. You snatch up practically everything Mickey in the gift shop.

Mickey lollipops, rubber bands, costumes – even a Mickey Pirates of the Caribbean sword. Never mind how you’ll squeeze that into your already over-stuffed luggage.

You completely forget how much you’re spending until you get home and your credit card statement arrives. Then, you have a Mickey hangover.

I used to think Knight Rider’s sweet talking ride KITT would be the ultimate. (Please forgive the ’80s David Hasselhoff reference.)

Now, I’m not so sure. For one, it’s a 1982 Pontiac Trans-Am – not exactly the best family car for a mother of two. Plus, the whole talking car concept isn’t the be all, end all. My Toyota Prius gives me not so subtle hints all the time. There’s the obnoxious beeping that progressively gets louder and faster to signal the need to buckle up … even when it’s just my heavy purse in the passenger seat, perceived to be a person.

You don’t even have to take mental notes on maintenance anymore. Your car has it under control. Thing is, you have to take your car’s cue. It can’t do everything on its own.

I foolishly ignored the “low keys battery warning” for my smart key fob that unlocks the driver side door when it’s near. No need to rummage around for keys in your purse. It’s a blessing for a busy Mom, juggling several bags including the one so heavy my car thinks it’s a passenger.

Another lifesaver? It’s impossible to lock your keys inside. I know this because I would have done it on several occasions. Except my car won’t let me. It sounds the alarm literally. Click. Locked. Followed by an immediate unlocking, flashing lights and fanfare to punctuate my stupidity. So my key fob battery finally died. Uh oh. Click. Nothing. “Why didn’t I listen to you? How am I going to get home from work?” I mumble.

I approach the door, hopeful my car recognizes the key. Yes! But, the real test: Will it still drive? The fob is the kind you don’t actually put in the ignition. The Prius detects the key and won’t drive without it. Thank goodness. She starts right up, although there’s a scary looking “key not detected” warning on the whole time.

I drive straight to get a key battery at the drugstore, afraid to turn off my car. Phew! They have it in stock, and I’m on my merry way, doing internal handstands.

I’m actually feeling pretty good about myself until the next day when I suffer sticker shock. There it is, in black and white. My registration, dated July 2012. What? Why didn’t my car tell me that I’ve been driving around with an expired registration for an entire year?

Thankfully, I was never ticketed – because I drive a sensible Prius, not a 1982 Trans-Am.

This critter hitched a ride as the Joaquins drove to school

A loud thud jolted my car as I was driving my son to preschool. At first, I thought pothole. I mean, it wouldn’t be the first or last to rattle my ride.

But then I had a strange feeling that someone, or something, was staring at me. Turned out to be the latter. I caught a glimpse of a hitchhiker clinging to my passenger-side window for dear life. I couldn’t investigate because I was trying to stay focused on the road, but it appeared to be a little lizard.

That’s where those potholes come into play. No pressure, but suddenly, I’m in an impromptu drive test. Trying to navigate around craters in the road without knocking off Rango.

I call him Rango because that’s immediately what my son screamed out with delight when he saw our unexpected passenger. If you know why he said Rango, then you’ll appreciate the extra pressure put on me to make it to school with Rango intact.

You see, the other night, we just started watching the Academy Award-winning animated movie Rango.

Rango is actually a chameleon, but who can tell the difference? Especially driving down the road. As a matter of fact, my daughter also screamed out “Rango!” with delight recently, when she saw an ad starring the Geico gecko.

But back to the real Rango. The plot of the movie describes Rango as “an ordinary chameleon who accidentally winds up in the town of Dirt, a lawless outpost in the Wild West in desperate need of a new sheriff.”

I can’t actually speak to the plot because we’ve only made it five minutes into the movie. My son likes to re-watch the first scene over and over. Which coincidentally is playing in my mind over and over as I’m behind the wheel.

Rango, voiced brilliantly by Johnny Depp, finds his opening monologue is falling flat and has an epiphany. “What our story needs is an ironic, unexpected event, that will propel the hero into conflict,” he says.

Just then, we see that Rango is actually a pet traveling in a glass aquarium in the back of a car. The car suddenly swerves, and the aquarium flies out and lands in the middle of the road, glass shattered.

The sense of irony is not lost on me. Here I am giving Rango a ride, dead set on not propelling our little hero into the road and squashing my son’s new companion.

Thankfully, we did not have a sequel on the way to school. We all made it there in one piece, said our good-byes and snapped a picture to remember our ride with Rango.

tjoaquin@ hawaiinewsnow.com

There’s a different back-to-school rush playing out around the state. Or perhaps I should say, back-to-school flush?

Right now, parents are racing to potty train their children for preschool, because 90 percent of preschools nationwide require that children be toilet trained.

Turns out getting toddlers to do their business is big business for a couple of mommypreneurs, or to be more precise, pottypreneurs.

Rebecca Stapp with a happy grad. Photo from Tannya Joaquin

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Maui mom Rebecca Stapp is the mastermind behind Potty Boot Camp.

“I have parents call me crying, saying, ‘My son starts preschool next week and he’s not potty trained,’” says Stapp.

She saw a need eight years ago and launched the camp out of her Maui home. Now, she holds regular sessions on Oahu, too. The Potty Boot Camp’s mission statement is, “The first day of potty camp is the last day your child will wear a diaper.”

Aunty Becca’s approach? Drink. Potty. Repeat. Praise. Reward. Students proudly display stickers received for staying “clean and dry,” and enjoy special treats like M&M’S for having “potty power.”

You drop off your child early in the morning for all-day training up to five days in a row. At the end of the boot camp, there is a graduation ceremony.

So far, she’s graduated 2,500 students – including children with special needs – with a 100 percent success rate. The cost is $600. She also can help potty train over the phone. You can find her on Facebook as “Potty Trainer” or by calling (623) 764-7478.

Hawaii mommy of two Tammi Umeno knows how hard potty training can be. She says teaching her eldest son became a negotiating war. Umeno’s struggles inspired her to create a handmade instant picture reward called the Wee-NSee.

It’s a small, plain biodegradable square that reveals a pretty picture each time your child … well, pees. “They can take their headaches and flush them down the toilet (just like how you dispose of the Wee-N-See),” says Umeno.

Wee-N-See is sold in more than a dozen stores around Hawaii and online at wee-n-see.com. They retail for $7 for a pack of 10. The teacher-turned-pottypreneur recently pitched her product at a casting call for Shark Tank, and is trying to get it into Walmart. You can help by voting from now until Sept. 2 at getontheshelf.walmart.com.

Luckily, my daughter’s preschool doesn’t require potty training. But it would be awfully nice never to buy another diaper! Hmm, better reserve a space in potty camp now because I get the feeling they’ll fill up fast!

The Society of Professional Journalists’ popular Gridiron show is locked and loaded with plenty of ammo after a one-year break. Anyone and anything is fair game.

The no-holds-barred revue pokes fun at news-makers and hilarious headlines. Some of the material in Gridiron 2013: #Sequester This even makes veteran cast members blush.

Moms in Hawaii’s Esme Infante-Nii posted on Facebook: “It’s likely that during the performance, audience members will whisper:

“‘OMG. Did they really just say/do that?’

“‘Wait. Are they ALLOWED to say/do that?’

“And, ‘Uhhh, is __________ in the audience?!’ Insert politician/target there.”

Who’s on the Gridiron hit list? Donalyn Dela Cruz gets asked all the time if she’s playing Colleen Hanabusa again. Will Ben Gutierrez bust out the stilts to reprise his role as Mufi Hannemann? And, how about that star spangled leotard-wearing Dan Cooke as Linda Lingle?

Regular Kerry Yoshida always wonders, “How in the heck are we going to top this show the next time? Every time we come back to rehearsals for the next show, I think ‘Oh. That’s how.’”

There are some stories that are gifts from the Gridiron gods. Think Manti Te’o or the Wonder Blunder. But there’s a lot more that goes into creating Gridiron gold before the curtain goes up at Diamond Head Theatre Friday night.

Writers start picking topics and writing lyrics in February then test out the parodies with two rating sessions. Based on scores and number of laughs, 100 numbers are whittled down to about 20.

Artistic directors Robbie Dingeman and Keoki Kerr fine tune the numbers. Director/choreographer Ahnya Chang adds in creative dance routines, with the aid of Anna Gomes. Music director Roslyn Catracchia and technical director Theresa Riedman round out the creative genius behind the Gridiron.

Then come two months of rehearsals weekends and after-work learning, practicing and perfecting the choreography.

Other than veteran songstress Cathy Foy, performers are mostly amateurs from the news and public-relations worlds. This year’s cast includes Kerr, Dela Cruz, Gutierrez, Lisa Kubota, Mahealani Richardson, Chad Blair and Gordon Pang, former newsies Jodi Leong, Malika Dudley and Denby Fawcett, and yours truly for the first time.

That’s the only surefire way to score tickets. The three shows this coming Friday and Saturday (Aug. 23 and 24) sold out in three hours. Tickets even went for our Thursday dress rehearsal. So, for the first time, tickets will be sold at the theater for the Wednesday rehearsal on the day of the show at 6 p.m., $20 cash, limit of four tickets.

It’s the culmination of two months of rehearsal weekends and after-work learning, practicing and perfecting the choreography.

Now the fun part – watching the audience, who in turn will watch the show with one eye on the stage, another on targets being lampooned on stage who may be sitting next to you.

It’s all in good fun. It benefits paid journalism internships and scholarships.

The show has shifted to odd-numbered years because of challenges in election years. Besides, that’s such an important time for collecting new material for the next Gridiron.

Perhaps the humidity and heat got to me. I don’t know how else to explain my epic fail.

Before I come clean about my lapse in sanity, I should preface this. I’m religious about applying sunscreen every day, especially on my face. Even if I’m just going outside for a few minutes, I don’t leave home without it.

That’s how I’ve gone my whole life without having a sunburn and why I’m so chapped now that I blew it during a recent beach day.

Yes, while enjoying a gorgeous afternoon on Kailua Beach a few weeks ago, I decided to forgo a rash guard and completely forgot to re-apply sunblock.

What was I thinking? Obviously, I was not thinking. It didn’t hit me immediately. I thought, “Uh-oh, I may have gotten too much sun.”

Understatement of the year.

By the time I got home, the weight of my bikini strap was like torture on my shoulders.

Thank goodness for Solarcaine and aloe. The numbing and cooling power of Solarcaine offered relief for the discomfort.

And, I hoped the aloe would prevent peeling. Wrong.

But, if that was the nastiest effect of my bad burn, I probably wouldn’t be writing about it. No, the worst was yet to come.

The whole week after the sun roasted my skin, I felt nauseous, dehydrated and dizzy. I couldn’t keep anything down.

Even water was hard to swallow.

The best way I could describe my state was like I came down with a bad case of food poisoning or the flu.

I didn’t actually make the connection that it was related to the sunburn until I caught a glimpse of myself walking by a mirror. Yikes. Blisters across my back.

Seeing that got my mind racing. Suddenly I felt itchy and had the desperate need to diagnose my condition with a Google search.

I grabbed my iPad and went straight to Google and typed “blister, sun, nausea.”

Seconds later, my suspicions were confirmed.

“Sun poisoning: Recognizing the symptoms; Treating the Symptoms.”

Man, did I pay the price for overlooking my sunscreen.

I’m especially angry with myself because I know the risks of sun exposure and I have no one to blame for myself.

As if I needed another kick in the face, it turns out my Google search had directed me to the “Dummies” version for recognizing the signs of sun poisoning.

If I didn’t feel like a dummy before, that added insult to injury.

Collages in progress | Photo from Tannya Joaquin

I was the type of student who would get upset with an A-minus. I always turned in my homework on time and never procrastinated on a big assignment.

Boy, have things changed the second time around. No, I’m not in school, but my children are. They’re in preschool and I now have homework and projects to complete for them. Even if you graded on the curve, I’d be generous to give myself a D.

Chalk it up to being a busy mom or simply making too much out of a simple task, but I’m already struggling with my first assignment of the new school year.

To welcome students into their new class, parents are asked to create a collage of family photos so their children feel comfortable in their new environment. What’s the big deal? On the surface, it sounds easy.

But, for me, it’s more than putting pictures on construction paper. It becomes an exercise in family politics. I suppose I could simply put together images of my immediate family, but I feel obligated to represent grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins equally. I would hate to have a family member visit and feel slighted by our collage.

Instead, I stress and start looking everywhere for the right assortment of family photos. That leads to the dreaded task of scouring through multiple sources. Yes, it would be too easy to have what I want in one place. No, I have to tap into Facebook feeds, iPhones old and new, laptops (mine and my husband’s), memory cards, iPads, cameras … you get the message.

The next chore is sizing and printing pictures. I usually go through a couple of rounds to get the right assortment together for a test run.

I’m no Martha Stewart, so I have to psyche myself up to get creative. My bright idea this year was to buy stencils and a glitter pen to write “Kaimana” and “Hana.” Turned out to be a major failure, which I ditched after attempting one goopy glitter letter.

Luckily, I had markers handy and just wrote their names freestyle. But I’m still not satisfied with my photos yet, so it’s back to the drawing board to find, size, print and layout the right representation for their collages.

Yes, I have to do two this year. Double whammy! Especially when I’m trying to make them picture perfect!

Hopefully, by the time you read this, they’re just right and I can stop obsessing, or at least start worrying about their next assignment.

The result of being rear-ended | Photo from Tannya Joaquin

As a reporter, I’m always intrigued by interesting questions. Here’s one I was asked recently: What’s your pet peeve? Several others answered “bad drivers.” Perhaps I should have, too.

It’s a common gripe here that Hawaii has a lot of bad drivers, but here’s proof to back it up. I just reported on an Allstate insurance study that said Honolulu is No. 128 for worst drivers out of 200 cities nationwide. This was a story that really hit home because I was just hit – rear-ended in a car crash. I was driving west on Kalanianaole Highway near Hawaii Loa Ridge during evening rush hour, waiting at the stoplight with my children in their car seats in the back. Then, suddenly, an SUV behind me slammed into my car.

Of course, my first concern was for my children – then, for moving safely to the side of the road to exchange information with the other driver. Finally, I wondered what my car would look like after our unexpected direct hit. Keep in mind this was an SUV versus my Prius, so I was really worried how it would handle the impact.

The driver was very apologetic, saying he saw other cars moving and assumed I was, too. I explained I understood these things happen. The kids are OK. That’s the most important thing. My car can be repaired.

However, it turned out to be a bigger deal as, 48 hours after the crash, I realized that my neck and back were starting to ache. Turns out my minor fender-bender did a major number on my spine, neck and back.

Now, not only is my car in the body shop, but I’m having body work done, too, to treat my injuries.

So what’s my real pet peeve? Don’t get me started.

I’ll give you my take on that next week!

It’s starting.

Everywhere I go these days, it seems I’m greeted by endless rows of Halloween candy.

That’s a scary thought!

I’m not talking about the temptation to overdo it on sugary treats. That’s a given.

Hana as Tinkerbell, Halloween 2012 | Photos from Tannya Joaquin

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Isn’t that part of the Halloween tradition?

No, what’s truly frightening for me is the thought of finding the right costumes for my children. They’ve graduated from whatever Mom picks for them. This year, both kids will choose their own costumes – and I have to deliver.

I had a taste of how challenging that can be a couple years ago. My son had his heart set on being a firefighter.

Great choice, right? Yes, so great that every little boy wants to be a firefighter for Halloween.

That’s precisely the problem. It can be hard to find the costume you want in their size if you get a late start.

I scoured the Internet for the perfect firefighter costume. I spent hours to find just the right one – one that had the same overalls and jackets as HFD.

I located it and had it shipped in time for trick or treating, barely.

Never mind that Kai initially said he didn’t want to dress up for Halloween after all that. I had to negotiate with him so he’d wear the costume I spent so long securing for the occasion.

This year, I’ve been trying to get an early feel for what my son and daughter want to be.

Of course, my son is 5 so he can change his mind daily. One day it’s a garbage truck driver. The next it’s a ninja.

I think I might be able to persuade my daughter to be a Disney princess. Last year, Tinkerbell was a cute but simple choice for Hana.

Is it wrong to want to steer them toward costumes that are readily available and easy to buy locally?

It would certainly take a load off to walk into, say, Pricebusters or Target and – presto! – find exactly what they want off the rack.

I envy creative parents who can whip up genius homemade costumes like the Hawaii Opera Theatre costume department. Here I am sweating over simply buying costumes.

The best homemade costume I could handle is the good ol’ cuts in an old sheet, instant ghost variety.

My assignment for the next week will be to nail down their costumes. To do that stress free and without unforeseen complications?

Now that would be a true treat!

joaquinx2@me.com

Monday nights with McGarrett used to be must-see TV in the Joaquin household.

Before you jump to conclusions, I’m still a huge Hawaii Five-0 fan. But I’m not sure how I feel about Hawaii Five-0 on Fridays yet.

Really, the day it’s on shouldn’t matter that much. I never actually made it through an entire episode Monday because of early wakeup calls for Sunrise.

I would start watching Monday and avoid possible spoilers from people talking about the show the next day. I’d actually finish the episode Tuesday or maybe even Wednesday.

I was excited to learn the show would air one hour earlier, until I learned it was moving to Friday. I associate Friday nights with family and fireworks. Or the occasional date night.

When I was younger, there were multiple sitcoms and shows in my weekly repertoire. Seinfeld, The Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers, even Beverly Hills 90210. And how can I forget Magnum, P.I.? It was all appointment viewing.

I even got into soaps. I watched Luke and Laura get hitched on General Hospital. I followed all the love triangles on Days of our Lives, and I know who shot JR on Dallas.

But times and viewing habits change. Now, I’m down to three shows and rely on my DVR.

I’m still a sucker for Survivor. I love seeing who can outwit, outplay and outlast the competition. The family twist will be a nice addition this season!

Like millions of others, I’m hooked on The Voice, from the concept to the chemistry and competition among the celebrity coaches. That’s another more recent switch: the rise of reality TV. Hawaii Five-0 happens to be my scripted show of choice. I know there are many other options, but who has the time?

With the start of the fall TV season, there’s hype about hot new shows, but I just can’t add anything else to my TV roster. Viewers are raving about Hostages. And for years, I’ve heard the buzz about Breaking Bad and Mad Men.

But when you have young children, you’re much more likely to tune in to Sesame Street than mature television. I’ve attempted to watch Hawaii Five-0 with my kids around, but that didn’t last long. Catchy theme song aside, the victim of the week isn’t something you want your kids to see.

So, OK, Friday or Monday doesn’t really matter. I’ll have to watch it on my own TV schedule anyhow.

The baby crawling contest is a highlight of the Oh Baby! Family Expo | Photo courtesy of Oh Baby! Family Expo

You know how everyone’s always saying how quickly children grow up? The same can be said about the Oh Baby! Family Expo.

This popular event, now in its 10th year, will be back at Neal Blaisdell Center this weekend with some old favorites and new additions.

The expo welcomes thousands of anxious parents-to-be and families every year. Nervous new moms and dads can test drive the best, safest products on the market for their expanding families. Show director Anna Lau-Parish says that these newbies often come back with different needs as their children mature.

“We have the pleasure of seeing them come back each year to possibly get a new outfit, as their little one surely outgrows them fast, or to find out about extracurricular activities like dance, sports, tutoring or how to join a parenting/child play group! It’s an ohana affair.”

One of the highlights is the baby crawling contest. The track measures “10 very long feet, if you’re the parent at the finish line waving everything but the kitchen sink to get your child to race toward you and cross that finish line,” laughs Lau-Parish. “It’s sometimes more fun watching the parents with all their gestures, waving, twisting and turning. ”

The fun and games continue with a new attraction this year, Toy & Game and Party Expo. Expanding party offerings was a natural extension, since vendors who cater to first birthdays and children’s parties already participate.

The Hawaii Toy & Game Expo will feature products straight off parenting.com and Popular Science‘s list of Best Toys of Toy Fair 2013. Children and kids at heart can touch, see, feel and play with the toys and games and judge if they’re hot or not. There will be the Toys R Us Nerf Dart Tag Arena for group play and board games such as Disruptus. Another buzz-worthy board game, Flip2bfit, incorporates physical fitness.

You never know. It could be the renaissance of “family game night.”

“Remember when there were no TVs, no computers, no electronics – just the family, some dice and your favorite game piece?” recalls Lau-Parish, a fan of old classics such as Monopoly. She’s always been partial to the boot token. (Hasbro recently retired the iron and added a cat to the mix.)

Quick Takes:

* Average number of attendees: 10,000-12,000
* Baby crawl across the track: anywhere from 6 seconds to 3 minutes
* Product no parent should live without: Baby wipes. Hand-crafters sell unique embellished wipe holders at the expo.

Oh Baby! Family Expo
Neal Blaisdell Center
Saturday and Sunday (Oct. 12 and 13), 10 a.m.-5 p.m.
ohbabyfamilyexpo.com
facebook.com/ohbabyfamilyexpo

I must preface this week’s column with a confession. I’m fighting through a minor case of writer’s block because I’m preoccupied with another writing assignment.

This is something completely foreign to me. This particular assignment has nothing to do with my day job as a news anchor and reporter at Hawaii News Now.

No, that’s second nature to me now. After two decades in the business, I can always think of something to say or write. No, this is something much more nerve-racking.

I’m talking about filling out kindergarten applications for my son.

I know just a few weeks ago I was talking about creating a collage for the start of his preschool.

This school year is barely off the ground, but already I’m up against deadlines for some of the most competitive private kindergartens.

This is not meant to take anything away from public schools. I know there are many wonderful public schools and teachers.

I just want to look at several options and see what’s the right fit for my son and family.

Not to mention the applications are due any day now.

Granted it’s been a while since I applied for college, but the second time around as a mom is much more stressful.

For many moms and dads, all the preparation, applications and interviews can become a second full-time job. There are many schools of thought on what you should and shouldn’t do. Some sign up their kids for every extracurricular activity so they seem well-rounded on their application.

Come to think of it, this does sound like applying for college! Others even hire private tutors to prep their child for the interviews. I say interviews plural because many parents apply to multiple schools.

I wouldn’t say I have a strategy per se. I have done homework on the various public school options in my neighborhood and a few private schools in town.

I don’t want to be one of those parents who stresses out her child about the importance of interviews or over-prepares him.

Hopefully, if I’ve done my job as a mom and his teachers at preschool have prepared him, he’ll pass through this process with flying colors anyway.

So, if you’ll excuse me, it’s back to the app. I think writing this column just gave me the pep talk I needed to put this whole process in perspective.

I found a pleasant surprise in my Facebook inbox recently: word that my high school friend and UCLA college roommate Nicole was coming to Hawaii last minute for a quick getaway with her husband to celebrate their anniversary.

I realized it was their 11th anniversary because I recalled that was the last time we’d actually seen each other. Nicole’s wedding was my last hurrah in California before I moved to Hawaii for work. In fact, I took a call from general manager Rick Blangiardi during her reception to accept his job offer as a news reporter. The year was 2002.

Wow, so much has happened for both of us since then, but other than an occasional social media “like,” we had lost touch. Here was a gift. A chance to catch up in person.

We went to the same California high school. But it wasn’t until we both were accepted to UCLA and pursued political science in lecture halls with hundreds of other underclassmen that we really bonded – two Bay Area girls who became studying, shopping and, yes, even clubbing partners. We were in Los Angeles, after all. That takes us even farther back. We’re talking 1992, but our history goes back to the ’80s.

So I jumped at the chance to meet up on a Saturday at her hotel at Ko Olina, my family in tow. During the particularly long drive out to the west side, I wondered, “Will it be like old times, will the conversation flow, will our husbands feel left out of our inside jokes?”

As it turns out, yes, yes and no. There’s an ease and comfort in reconnecting with an old friend that can’t be manufactured or duplicated – to know we’ve seen each other through high points such as graduation, her acceptance to law school, my first TV jobs. And there were some lows too, from questionable dates, fashion and bad hair we’d probably rather forget. (Hey, we were children of the ’80s!)

We picked right up like we hadn’t missed a beat. I haven’t laughed so hard in years, swapping stories from our past and present.

I remember when I left L.A. for my first on-air job in Lima, Ohio, and she was starting out as a lawyer, we made a pact that if we weren’t satisfied with where we were when we hit 30 (what seemed like a lifetime away at the time!), we’d pick up and move to Europe. That never happened. I take it as a good sign that our 30s were a time to establish ourselves professionally, get married, have children – a boy and a girl for both of us. And now we try to figure out how to balance it all.

There’s comfort in knowing we’ve had similar successes and struggles. Both have a bedtime battle trying to get our kids to sleep. Both try to stay on top of school work. But, it was a nice surprise to come full circle and celebrate the women and moms we’ve become.

Although a European getaway always would be welcome!